The How of Happiness 6—Coping Skills

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:

THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 6: Develop Coping Skills

By Sonja Lyubomirsky

No life is without stress or adversity. Fortunately, most of the strategies that help you to be happier also help you to manage life's lowest ebbs. Those who manage to find benefit among the pain, when faced with even the most serious traumas such as the loss of a loved one, cope better.

—Remember that post-traumatic growth and happiness is not the same as being joyful and carefree. Most survivors acknowledge that they feel a great deal of distress at the same time as reporting strengthening and progress.

—Social support is crucial to coping. Friends, family and partners give you a place to share your feelings and see the event with a new perspective, so talk to them.

—More and more research shows that writing it all down can be hugely beneficial. Spend at least 15 minutes a day writing down your worries.


—Hug more.


The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com

The How of Happiness 5—Relationships

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:


THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 5: Nuture Social Relationships


By Sonja Lyubomirsky

Romantic partners and friends make people happy, and happy people are also more likely to acquire friends and lovers. If you resolve to improve and cultivate your relationships, you will reap the gift of positive emotions. With enhanced happiness you will attract more and higher-quality relationships and embark on what psychologists call an "upward spiral."

—For every negative act or statement in your relationship, make sure you employ five positive ones. Express your love and gratitude physically and verbally. I once heard a family expert say, "A spontaneous kiss while doing the chores can do wonders."

—Friendships don't just happen, they are made. Make time for friends; communicate by listening and be supportive and loyal.

—Hug more.




The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com

The How of Happiness IV: Kindness

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:


THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 4: Practice Kindness

By Sonja Lyubomirsky

One of the strongest findings in the literature on happiness is that happy people have better relationships than less happy people. Investing in social relationships is a potent strategy on the path to becoming happier.

Kindness can jumpstart a cascade of positive social consequences. Helping others leads people to like you, to appreciate you, to offer gratitude. It also may lead people to reciprocate in your time of need.

—Pick one day a week to commit one new act of kindness.

—Vary what you do. Surprise someone with a home-cooked meal, an outing, a gift or a phone call. Do something that doesn't come naturally to you.

—At least once a week, do a kind deed about which you tell no one, and expect nothing in return.



The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com

Valentines: The Singelringen phenom

The Swedish Singelringen (translation: single ring?) is crossing the Atlantic and picking up celebs, it appears. More than 150,000 singles are sporting the turquoise-acrylic over sterling band, first introduced in Sweden in 2005. It's been spotted on celebs (Vivica Fox, Terrence Howard) and politicians like Texas state Rep. Dawnna Dukes.

What's the appeal? Well, according to Singelringen spokesfolks, singles gravitate toward the power in stating your status.

"Getting unstuck from a marriage on the rocks takes courage and independence. The message behind Singelringen is to embrace single life with open arms," says T. Murray, author of Stuck on Stupid: A Guide for Today's Single Woman Stuck in Yesterday's Stupid Relationships. "For women who've experienced the difficult steps of divorce, Singelringen is also a symbol of survival."

The rings are $59 from Singelringen.com. And if the idea of rings appeals to you -- don't hesitate to treat yourself for Valentine's Day. I did just that last year; bought myself a gorgeous triple aquamarine that's as shiny as any diamond.

News&Buzz: Boundaries for single parents

Single dad Peter Ehrlich, a columnist for the Toronto Star, writes about boundaries today, ruminating over wanting to hang out with his 17-year-old son yet be the dad. He asked David Wolfe, chair of the Children’s Mental Health at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto, for advice on single-parent-and-child boundaries.

Wolfe suggests this (which, actually, applies to all parents): "There is nothing wrong with saying you're friends with your child, but as an adult, not on the same level as peer friends. Boundaries are required.

“Children want us to be parents,” he says. “Parents need to stick to their generation so their teenage children can have theirs – their clothing, hairstyle and music. Moms shouldn't be making an effort to run out and try to look like their daughters, getting a navel piercing or whatever, and men 50-plus shouldn't be hanging out in muscle shirts.

Erlich says he’s got no plans to stop singing ‘70s songs with his son and his son’s friends – but he’ll leave the room after the music ends.

The How of Happiness III—Don't Overthink

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:

THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 3: Avoid Overthinking and Social Comparison

By Sonja Lyubomirsky

Many of us believe that when we feel down we should try to focus inwardly to attain self-insight and find solutions to our problems. But numerous studies have shown that overthinking sustains or worsens sadness.

Social comparisons are ubiquitous – we can't help but notice that others are richer, more attractive or successful and then feel inadequate, but you can't be envious and happy at the same time. The happiest people take pleasure in other people's successes and show concern at others' failures.

—When you find yourself preoccupied with something that is tormenting you, do something else that makes you feel curious, peaceful, amused or proud.

—Take in the bigger picture – will this matter in a year?

—Set aside 30 minutes every day to ruminate – and then stop.


The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com

Poll says divorcees having little sex

Forget the sex, if you’re a divorcee. A new online poll asked 10,000 divorced women how much sex they have per month, and a surprising 55 percent said ... none.

"It might have to do with self-esteem and confidence issues," First Wives World co-founder Paul Lambert, told the New York Post. "But most of all, there's the trust issue. Your window of opportunity for sex is very small, and you're busy with children or career. It seems all the stars have to be lined up perfectly.”

Another 22 percent of divorced women said they were “lucky” to get sex one to three times a month. Thirteen percent reported sex three to six times a month. And 11 percent said they had more romps per month “than they’d admit to.”

The How of Happiness 2: Optimism

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:

THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 2 - Cultivate Optimism

By Sonja Lyubomirsky

All optimism exercises involve changing the way we see the world. It takes hard work but if you persist at these strategies they will become a habit.

—Try to identify your pessimistic thoughts and replace them with more favourable viewpoints. Ask yourself, "What can I learn?"

—Think about what you expect your life to be in one, five or ten years from now. Visualize a future where everything has turned out the way you wanted.

—The more you rehearse optimistic thoughts, the more natural they will become. With time, they will be a part of you and you will have made yourself into a different person.



The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com

Step 1: The How of Happiness—Gratitude

Positive psychology guru Sonja Lyubormirky’s new book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want reveals the University of California professor’s research-based tactics for taking control of the 40 percent of happiness and joy within our control. Here, we'll share her advice in an ongoing series:


THE HOW OF HAPPINESS
Step 1: Show Gratitude

By Sonja Lyubomirsky

There's a lot more to gratitude than saying "thank you." Emerging research shows that people who are consistently grateful are happier, more energetic and hopeful, more forgiving and less materialistic. Gratitude needs to be practiced daily because it doesn't necessarily come naturally.

—Think of three to five things each day for which you are grateful but usually take for granted, from the mundane (your dryer is fixed) to the magnificent (your child's first steps or the beauty of the sky at night).

—Acknowledge one ungrateful thought each day, such as "my sister forgot my birthday" and substitute it for a grateful one – "but she's always there for me."

—Think of someone who has been important in your life and tell them in a letter, phone call or visit.



The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
By Sonja Lyubomirsky
Penguin Press HC
Hardcover
Dec. 27, 2007
ISBN-10: 159420148X
ISBN-13: 978-1594201486
available from booksellers everywhere and Amazon.com